Insignificant versus Inspirational

Things have been interesting lately.

Bouncing so quickly from depressed to mania it’s scary.

I went from having three part-time jobs in December after having been unemployed for a long time. Two jobs were only seasonal and one I thought I had a chance at eventually going full-time. I loved that job.

They did not love me as I was fired not long ago being told I wasn’t a “good fit.”

Working hard on staying positive, but feeling like a failure.  A failure at relationships, in the workplace, as a mother.

I remind myself how many people have it worse that I do. My problem is cash flow. I’m not dealing with life or death situations like being diagnosed with cancer.

After working at a health care organization that helps cancer patients, their strength and positive attitudes are inspiring. The positive and hopeful attitudes of their caregivers are inspiring. With what they are facing, my worries are insignificant. I will overcome this set back eventually. I will not let bipolar bring me down. I will and I won’t. Go me!

What the heck, Mick?

Today, I started randomly signing, “Time is on my Side,” by the Rolling Stones.  I stopped myself because I realized Mick has it all wrong.

He sang that time is on his because his love will come running back to him after all is said and done.

I think that time is on his side because while his love is out doing whatever it may be, he will realize the selfishness of the behavior and question the love in the first place.

I’ve heard two different versions of expressions:  “Time makes the heart grow fonder,” and the flip side, “Time makes the heart go wander.”

But time apart also gives your heart a chance to catch up with your head.

If you love someone, you want to be with them, talk to them, let them know you’re there for them. Love isn’t something that you want to put off if you feel it.  I’ve been thinking about “what could be” instead of looking at what “is.” And I’ve been a fool.

I thought I had a special person. Now I realize I had nothing–that relationship was never about me, but about him and his ex-girlfriend who tore him down.  I may be mentally off-balance, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a person to love me for me, not to think he loves me because what I do for him or how I make him feel about himself.  (and yes, he actually once said he loves how I make him feel, then backpedaled and revised his statement.)

Time is on my side, baby, because the more time I have to think about how things were, the more I realize I was blind and settling for so little in the hopes of time being on my side for him to realize what a keeper I am. He doesn’t know that by now, he never will know it.

Game over. A relationship should not be treated as a game with cards being held back then tossed into the discussion pot when he was ready to unleash over a compilation of things. There was not a winner or a loser in this game. Kenny Rogers said “you’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run.”  John was the one that walked away; I should have been the one to run.

I should have known better than to play with him in the first place.

“I have been Foolish and Deluded, and I am a Bear of No Brain at All”

“I have been Foolish and Deluded,” said Winnie the Pooh, “and I am a Bear of No Brain at All.”

Sometimes I imagine things that aren’t really there, like shadows in the corners of a darkened room are hiding the boogeyman. I close my eyes wondering if I should get up and turn the lights on or if it’s better in the dark.

Was the bond I thought I had with him imaginary or real?  Is it better to stay in the dark, too scared to turn on the light to find the truth?

I don’t want to think I have been Foolish and Deluded for loving and believing in someone who now isn’t calling me, isn’t even acknowledging me.

Instead of taking care of things I need to in order to be a solid partner,  to be a solid and sane person period, I put a nightlight in that corner of my heart he’s in.  That nightlight is casting shadows that scare me.

One side of me thinks that I am foolish to question the bond–that it’s there and rock solid. That is why he doesn’t think he needs to call; he’s like Westley in the Princess Bride saying he’ll be back and that this is true love, it doesn’t come along every day.

The other side thinks I’m deluded to ever think it was there in the first place, that I am a Bear of No Brain at All for staying hopeful.

It’s selfish to lay my doubts and insecurities at his feet.  I know what he has gone through and that he needs time to himself.  If he doesn’t work through it, he won’t be happy.

He trusted the wrong person with his heart. He handed it over to her, she shredded it, put it on a plate and served it back to him. I love him enough to know he doesn’t need me hovering over his shoulder and weighing him down.

Have I made the same mistake he did?  Have I trusted the wrong person with my heart?  Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that I am a Bear of No Brain at All.  If there were any feelings at all, he would reach out, return a call, return an email.  He took his love away and, worse, his friendship, too.  I made the mistake of focusing on him for months and ignoring my other friends…the friends that warned me to be careful with my heart, that I would be hurt.  It’s been a long time since I felt this alone, this ashamed of myself, feeling so gullible, feeling so rejected, feeling so foolish.

I shouldn’t have been so careless with my heart. I gambled, put all my chips in the pot, and lost.  I lost my love, lost my friend, lost my sense of self.  The longer he goes without communication just reinforces my foolishness. He has excised me from his life. I need to accept that and stop hoping of a happy ending.

He should know me enough to know that excising himself so completely from my life is the worst way to leave things. It’s not something a person who loves me would do.

Fear and Hoping in Wisconsin

I’m nervous. John is coming by later today to pick up some of his things.

We have talked twice since he left–one was a not so great conversation. I am ashamed to admit I sent an email to his parents and was an immature biddy.  His parents live about 10 hours away, and that was where he was heading to.  I am 43 frigging years old for Pete’s sake!  I should know better, but out of anger and hurt, I said some things that weren’t very nice and I’m sure it made his parents feel more than awkward.

John saw the email.  I felt horrible.   I sent an apology email to his parents to let them know it wasn’t fair of me; it wasn’t fair to them and especially not fair for John.  I don’t know what I thought I was trying to achieve.

We talked for two hours the day after that.  It was so great to hear his voice.  I was so excited I could have peed my pants because the apology email helped somewhat.  He is going to stay 10 hours away, in the small town we went to high school together, for an undeterminate amout of time.  I know it’s ultimately going to help him a lot, and it truly makes me happy he is doing this.  At this same time, I miss him like crazy.  I also want him here with me, and I know that can’t be done right now.

Because what he will be doing back in that small town is going to be hard for him, it worries me.  It is so brave of him to do–to face the implications and outcomes of the past.  I’m worried it will eventually weigh him down and wear him down.  I worry he will take care of everything and find it easier to stay away from me–that he will want to move on with someone else.  In my past, I have been the person guys dated right before they found a woman they could see a long future with.  I know our past and the closeness we share could be overwhelming for them both to the point he needs to pull completely away to make that relationship work.  At least I know I would be intimidated by that situation, but I’m insecure to a very unattractive degree.

It is exciting he is coming and I’m really looking forward to seeing him.  I’m going to want to grab him and hug him and just smell him.  I love how he smells.  Will it be appropriate though or will it make him feel awkward?  He is staying overnight.  I am so strongly attracted to him I don’t know that I can not hold on to him tightly while he’s here.  What if he doesn’t want me to pretty much maul him when he walks in the door?  Will he take his things and run out?

I hope not.  I hope he will not only stay in touch, but will say he wants to come back to me one day, one day when he has come to terms with everything.  I hope that one day will come soon, but I don’t know that is realistic based on what he needs to do.  I hope he is as excited as I am.  I hope I don’t screw up again.  I hope I can let him know the things in my last post, the things I hoped by chance he might see.

I hope he gets here soon.

By chance….

John has left.  I miss him terribly, and have begun thinking that perhaps it is best for him that he left.  That stings my heart.  He is uncertain about that, too.

I had been thinking that the old line “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is crap.  But without the time with him, I would have missed out on so many special things like being with someone who knows all sides of me–the good, the bad, the ugly and the crazy.  I wouldn’t have known the feeling of sheer bliss I was capable of feeling.  I even thought that, after more than a decade of divorce, this was a man I would marry if he were to ask.  If I wasn’t past baby-making age, I would have been excited to carry his child.  Man, for over 10 years I thought those feelings were silly to have.  I didn’t tell him these things because that scares the heck out of most guys, but it wouldn’t have scared him.  He would know how big of a deal those things are to me.

I was unfair to him.  I was ungrateful at times.  I was insecure with someone who I didn’t need to be.  I thought he was still in love with someone I know he isn’t.

He needs this time away from me. Above all, I want him to be happy and, after the hurt he had endured the last year, he needs to figure out where his happy place is.

This time away from him has made me realize a lot of things I wish I could tell him, but I’m giving him space.  I don’t want to make him feel bad or guilty about leaving.  I don’t know if he would read an email from him and I don’t want to pester him.  Honestly, after he was gone overnight thinking of something that happened, he came back and I told him to decide if he was going to stay or go.  In anger, I had once told him to get the “eff” out of my house–the house, the home, I told him was his, too.  That was crappy of me and unfair.  No wonder he left.

When he was gone overnight, I know with 100% certainty he was alone, driving around town or at the beach.  He wasn’t carousing, he was thinking.  That’s the kind of guy he is.  He is a great guy–fun to be with, eclectic, caring and honest.  Truly one of a kind and someone very special.

John, if by chance you read this I want to say thank you.  Thank you for helping me through a very tough time in my life–a time that I was so depressed I scared myself.  I wish I would have said that months ago.

I’m sorry I shortchanged you.  When you came to visit, it felt so right and so natural, you stayed.  I don’t like to share my space with people, even friends staying just a weekend.  But I wanted you here–I want you here.  I accused you of loving someone you had indeed gotten over.  My insecurity would rear it’s ugly and unattractive head and sometimes think you were here for other reasons than love.  I’m sorry.

I can be a crappy roommate.  I’m a slob.  When I get depressed, somehow I don’t see the mess that accumulates around me.  You got rid of clutter in my house, in my mind, in my life.  (The house is messy now, but this time it is bugging me.)

Thank you for helping me through that recent cycle of depression.  While you were here, I hadn’t had one until something outside of our relationship came up.  You understand that.  You held me and made me feel safe and that, despite my unbalanced mind, I am someone who deserves to be loved and you loved me…I believe with all my heart you still do.

In just a few days, I have realized a lot.  I have cried a lot because I miss you.  I miss coming home to you.  Things happen throughout the day I want to share with you because I know you would be interested.

If by chance you read this, I won’t take you for granted.  We can work through our communication styles.  Despite being friends for so long, we jumped into living together because it felt right, but we skipped over things that would help us in the long run.

I love you, John.  I hope by chance you read this.

Eeyore-like thoughts on my love

This morning, my head hurts, my tummy hurts and my heart hurts.

My love made it home late afternoon, stayed less than an hour and then left again. He was just going on an errand, but that errand has lasted more than 16 hours now. I would be worried for his safety if it weren’t for the fact he has done this several times now.

He says he needs to be alone to think things through. In the past, he has done that and has come back with what appears to be more of an understanding and a bigger view of things.

In the past, I would worry for his safety and sit around crying. I did that last night, and now I’ve just been overwhelmed with the feeling that this isn’t a fair and equal relationship.

It’s chicken of him to run off without some kind of discussion –one that would at least indicate he was off for his alone time. He left disappointed in me–and I hadn’t even opened my mouth about the fears I was experiencing while waiting for him.

I know exactly what I would tell my friends to do if they were in this situation. I would tell them to be strong, to let him go before another night like this passes. I would say that he was projecting his behavior –what I have feared would happen–on to me to make himself feel better.

I know what I would say to them. I don’t know what to say to him.

When he does this, it always feels like a stab. It takes me one step closer to thinking he is still in love with his ex, who is a mean crazy. I am a nice crazy, meaning I so much want to have someone love me, I do too much, I put up with too much. I am a walking, breathing doormat on a dog walk trail.

Thinking I need to let someone go, whether he figures things out on his own or not, is as tough as letting him was. Actually, it’s tougher because I love him with a mad passion that is unhealthy. But is there ever a “healthy” love relationship? Is it like a holy grail?

I don’t know about that. I don’t know how things will play out.
What I do know is that I feel foolish, whether or not my fears are justified or not.  I love someone who is has shown thoughtlessness with one of the deepest emotions a person has. I don’t believe it’s been done out of meanness or spite; I believe he is really confused about who he is, what should he do and, if he isn’t in love with me, how to gracefully extricate himself from the house and preserve a friendship.

My bed is calling me to come back and lay down. I can feel the dark clouds rolling into my brain. I need to be ready for the mind storm about to come.

Today is starting out to be an Eeyore kind of day.

Irrational Craziness

For the last few hours, I have felt as if I’m waiting for bad news—more specifically, I’m scared I’m going to find out that my fears of loving someone have been justified.  Something isn’t sitting right in my head and my guts hurt.

In all fairness though, my low self-esteem and overall feeling that I’m a rather disposable person can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I have taken a lorazepam and, if it doesn’t kick in soon, am thinking I might need another one or my head will explode from the pictures flashing through my mind.

I think I’m trying to rationalize what is irrational and it is driving me crazy.  (This is rather similar to coming to terms that Winnie the Pooh could have been interpreted as a big, fluffy villain.)

Maybe this is typical of my head not being on right.  Maybe my fears of being hurt are to the degree that I’m dooming the relationship.  Maybe I shouldn’t have even tried to start a relationship with someone I feel this passionate about, this crazy about, before he had time to process the end of a tumultuous relationship he was just starting to get over, one that hurt him deeply.

Regardless of how things ultimately turn out, I want him to be okay.  His ex did a real number on him and continues to play little head games with him.  It seems she wants to be sure she stays on his mind.  I think she doesn’t want him to move on.  In weak moments, I wonder if he wants to move on or not.  Crazy, not crazy, for better, for worse, I want him to be happy.  I hope he will be happy with me, but I don’t want to be blindsided.  I don’t think he is still in love with her, but I don’t know.  I was told by someone that they thought he has finally gotten her out of his system.  I hope so.  And I hope I’m not a port in a storm.

It’s the ever-so-trite battle between head and heart.  I hope my heart wins this time.

Of Bears and Bees

Winnie the Pooh once tried to fool some bees into thinking he was a little black rain cloud.  The bees were suspicious, even though Pooh was covered in mud and floating through the air with the help of a blue balloon.  The mud made it hard to hold on to the balloon and, well, the story goes downhill from there.

While Pooh was earnestly trying to trick the bees, I never thought he was mean or evil.  The honey he was after belonged to those bees, but not once did I view Pooh as a Bear of Thievery. The self-proclaimed Bear of Little Brain told us all, “the only reason for being a bee is to make honey. And the only reason for making honey is so I can eat it.”

Repeatedly we see Pooh trying to obtain his sticky gold through gambits that never seemed to work so he ended up mooching off his neighbors and friends in the Hundred Acre Woods.  (Piglet was such an enabler!)  Repeatedly I saw just the good in that Silly Old Pooh Bear.  It’s just now that I’ve thought of things from the perspective of the bees.

Sometimes my mind wrestles with thoughts of good versus evil.  Right now, I’m wrestling with this revelation and the thought that my beloved Pooh had a dark side I had previously ignored.

Hearts, Love and Mushy Stuff

Love is a crazy thing.

Love is even crazier when two crazy people are in love.  It’s hard to leave the house to go out into the real world; I don’t want to share time with anyone else.  It’s easy to get lost in the fun and the passion.  We can spend hours being goofy or hours engrossed in a physical connection.  Time goes by quickly either way.

But, when we have a disagreement (which is a much nicer word than argument), it’s just as passionate and as heated.  This is when our communication styles are very different, even though we think the same way.  I get emotional, and he questions like a lawyer who has a witness on the stand.  That’s when we drive each other nuts in a bad way.

We didn’t ease into things, we jumped in with both feet.  One day lead to another, to another, and it feel so right and natural.  It’s just been a few months, but it feels like it’s always been this way.  We have known each other since high school (“totally” late 80s), but never dated then.  So maybe if we would have eased into things, it would go smoother, with less drama, with more security between us.  Maybe if we didn’t isolate ourselves for from just about every other person, the conflicts wouldn’t seem so heavy.

Maybe the passion and love are just an offshoot of one or both of the state of our mental health.

I feel I’m falling down the rabbit hole where it comes to the love consuming me.  I’ve done this before, where the relationship becomes an addiction.  But now it’s with someone who knows all of me—I don’t have to hold back my silliness like I do with everyone else. For the first time, I’m keeping a grip on who I am and not try to change to be someone I think he wants me to be.

I hope what I’m feeling is true.  I hope I’m not just fooling myself.  I hope we can work towards resolving problems better. I hope we can have two crazy hearts in love and not just be two crazy hearts torn apart.

I have hope, which is something I had lost for a while.

Wise men vs Fools

“Wise men said, only fools rush in”

blah blah love love crap

I shouldn’t say love crap.  This song has been in my head for most of the evening and I can’t get it out or figure out why it’s there.  I didn’t rush into anything, but still feel like maybe half of a fool.  So that would be a “fo”, but still not a good feeling.

You ever say anything to put your heart on the line and in someone else’s hands?  You ever feel like you’re saying, “here, here is my heart that is duck-taped together,” and wonder about the response?

Heavy sigh

Just going to have to wait and see.  It’s just been a little while since I opened my fat mouth, really no time at all in the scheme of things.  I’m pretty insecure in most all relationships anyway, but right now, there’s a sinking feeling in my tummy.  Maybe it’s gas.

Elvis and I both can’t help falling in love, and can’t make someone feel like way in return.  Hope someone does, but uncertain, which makes me more insecure and that is an unattractive quality.  Thus goes the hamster wheel of my mind.

This has felt right to me and wanted by me for a long time so there wasn’t a rush on my part, but maybe on his to response.  In retrospect, I put him on the spot.  What was he going to do, just say, “thank you”?

My timing wasn’t fair either.  He has too much going on right now.  I should have been more thoughtful and respectful.  Part of me is relieved he knows and part of me wants the rewind button of life to work, even though it never does.  I should have waited and not dumped this on him.  I think my status is now “foo” —I deserve a promotion after realizing this.

Maybe I can get the “foo” out of my head and tummy.  Maybe baby, I’d have him.  Maybe baby, he’d be true….or step on my blue suede shoes.  (Okay, so that was cheese way to end, but maybe I can get it out of my head since it’s now taken written form.   I just can’t come up with anything clever right now.)